


Sinking, Swimming

by ForxGood



Series: Final chapters, Blank pages [2]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Dad!Holtz, F/F, First Draft I think you mean Last Draft (no beta), Idiots in Love, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 07:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22188844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForxGood/pseuds/ForxGood
Summary: A few months after Erin's life was tossed upside down, she reaches her breaking point. Holtzmann lets some feelings slip. Part 2 in a series.
Relationships: Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann
Series: Final chapters, Blank pages [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597240
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	Sinking, Swimming

**Author's Note:**

> So if you haven't read 'Endings, Beginnings' yet, I highly recommend you go do just that, because this fic will make much more sense in context. Go. I'll wait. This new part will still be here when you get back.
> 
> ... Done? Okay, good. Then let's get crackin'; As always, reviews & comments & interactions fuel my soul. Find me at @ForxGood on Twitter (where I'm mostly talking about murder lesbians these days).

Erin hadn’t been able to go through with it. 

Holtzmann had gone with her to planned parenthood, and had held her hand while they walked past the protesters outside the door, and while the employees explained the procedure. But at the end of it all, even though Erin knew she couldn’t realistically do any of this, she hadn’t been able to get the abortion.

Holtzmann, for some reason, hadn’t minded. Hadn’t even flinched, to her credit. She had just held Erin’s hand, and smiled, and told her it was going to be okay. That she wasn’t alone, that she’d be there for her.

And to her credit, Holtzmann had actually made good on that promise. She had offered her support, her friendship, and even her apartment. Now that Phil was gone, there was a free room in her flat, and the blonde had argued that her place was closer to campus than Erin’s was. Plus, it was cheaper, meaning Erin could put more money aside for other things.

 _Baby things_.

After some debate, Erin had accepted, selfishly liking the idea of not being completely alone through all of this. Holtzmann had seemed thrilled with the decision, helping Erin move most of her stuff into the room formerly belonging to the physicist’s ex-boyfriend. It was a little awkward at first, staying in a room that once belonged to a guy who had thrown her entire life into upheaval and then left, but she’d adjusted, and now she and Holtz had a pretty comfortable living arrangement. Erin would cook them dinner, Holtz would do the dishes, and they’d watch some crappy TV together if neither of them had any work to do. Occasionally, Holtzman would make them both hot chocolates, propping Erin’s feet into her lap, and the two women would talk about their work until the early hours. 

It was the happiest Erin had ever been.

In a way, Holtzmann was acting like a better ‘boyfriend’, for lack of a better word, than Phil ever had. Erin had even joked that Holtz might as well be the father of this baby with how she had been acting. But the more she thought about that, the more she began to realize something else. And it wasn’t just that she was still in over her head with her thesis suddenly having an earlier deadline (her due date).

She was in love with Jillian Holtzmann.

She, Erin Gilbert, had fallen madly in love with Jillian Holtzmann, best friend and confidante. And that was a problem in and of itself. Because while she knew Holtzmann liked girls - they’d spent so much time together over these past months, of course the topic had come up - Erin doubted Holtz would ever see her as a girl she could fall in love with. After all, this was the same person who had held Erin’s hair back as she threw up every morning, who had seen Erin break down over a guy leaving her, who knew Erin had been too much of a coward to get the abortion that she had really needed to get in order to get her life slightly together.

No, there was no way in hell Jillian Holtzmann would ever even consider Erin to be girlfriend material.

Not that that even mattered right now. Right now, Erin was staring at her laptop, on her 5th decaf coffee of the day (she had been hoping for a caffeine placebo effect), close to tears as her thesis showed no signs of progressing despite the many, many hours she had already put into it. _Oh god_ , she was never going to make it on time. She was never going to finish this before the baby was born, and she had _no_ chance of finishing it _after_ the baby was born, and she was going to have to raise this child alone and degree-less as a total failure with no job prospects.

It was enough to make her want to scream.

She was startled from her revery by a familiar voice, and the sound of keys being dumped into the bow next to the door.

 _Holtzmann_.

The physicist knew the engineer had had lab work until 6 that day, and the fact that so much time had already passed only served to make Erin feel worse. When the blonde asked how her thesis was coming along, Erin just made a miserable noise, burying her head in her hands. 

Usually, the physicist was happy to see Holtzmann. The blonde had a way of brightening up a room Erin hadn’t really seen from anyone else. Her enthusiastic presence and brilliant mind rarely failed to improve Erin’s day, but one mention of the word ‘thesis’ and it felt as if the whole world was going to crumble down on top of her in seconds.

“I can’t do this.” She groaned, running her hands through her hair in frustration. “I can’t friggin do this. I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t finish this thesis in 4 months, I can’t give my viva on it And because of that, and I’m going to fail as a scientist, and then, because I can’t get a job, I’m going to fail as a mother. I’m going to mess up not just my own life, but this kid’s, and _yours_ , because you’ve done so much for me and it’s all going to be for nothing because _I can’t finish this stupid thesis!_ ”

She wasn’t entirely sure where this sudden outburst had come from, nor was she sure why she was suddenly crying. Pregnancy hormones, she supposed, but that didn’t make this any easier. The reality of what she’d just said had begun to sink in, and it only served to make her feel more frustrated. All it had taken was one terrible boyfriend and Erin’s future, which she had assumed would have been so bright now that she was being taken seriously as a scientist, was about to crumble and disappear right before her eyes. 

_F U C K._

Holtz had walked up to the fruit bowl and was just about to dig into an apple when she suddenly heard the outburst. Instantly, her heart clenched up. There was a constant reminder of how much this pregnancy was actually affecting Erin’s life, both in the short-term and the long-term, and try as she might to cover it up, Holtz could see how much it really bothered her, so she was surprisingly unsurprised when Erin snapped. 

What did surprise her, however, was what she said about failing as a mother, and Holtz frowned. She had no doubt in her head that Erin was going to be great with her kid, she was fiercely intelligent and wonderfully kind, it usually translated into being a pretty damn great mother. And yet, here she was, doubting herself. It was frightening, to say the least. 

Holtz put the apple down, taking a step towards Erin, one hand out. 

“Erin, honey, take a deep breath.” She spoke softly, her thumb running over the back of Erin’s hand. “It’s okay, you’re having a block, it happens. I get blocks all the time. You’ve been at this all day, maybe what you should do is take a break, I’ll make some dinner, we can watch a movie-” She trailed off, resting a hand on Erin’s back before the other woman interrupted her again.

“I _Cant_!” Erin made a frustrated noise, a combination of a sob and a scream, as she slammed her laptop shut. “I _can’t_ take a break! I’m behind, I’m _way_ behind, and if by some _miracle_ I even _make_ it to my viva I’m going to go into it completely unprepared because I’ll have been up all night with a child I have _no_ clue how to take care of!”

Holtz couldn’t help but jump slightly as Erin slammed her computer shut. She had never seen the brunette this upset, but she knew it had been building for a while, so the best thing to do was let her ride it out a little.

“And, and, believe it or not, it’s going to get _even worse._ ” Erin continued, temporarily oblivious to Holtz’s discomfort. “Because there’s a thing called ‘pregnancy brain’ that _literally_ makes you stupid, and if I’m already too stupid to finish my thesis right now I’m _never_ going to make it later, and then I’m going to fail. I’m going to fail as a scientist, and god knows how I’m going to be a mother because I can’t even look into that. There’s no manual for that. How am I going to take care of a _child_ when I can’t even take care of _myself_?!”

Subconsciously, Erin knew Holtz was right. She knew taking a break would be the best thing for her mind right now. But she was feeling so horribly overwhelmed, common sense stood no chance against her pregnancy brain.

“I should just give up.” She sighed, running her hands through her hair and resisting the urge to just literally rip her hair out of her scalp. “It’s no use. I can’t finish this thesis, I _can’t_ raise this kid, my parents are going to _hate_ me even more than they already do, and I’m going to die alone because _no one_ is going to date a nobody, jobless idiot with a _child_. A child I can’t raise by myself. Because sooner or later, you’re going to get sick of me too. Just like Phil did.”

Oh, _Phil._ She let out a mirthless laugh at that last statement, groaning in frustration. That _asshole._

“He just left. He heard I was pregnant, because _he_ refused to wear a condom, and he packed up and _moved away_ to not have to deal with this. He didn’t just dump me, he _ditched_ me. I was _ditched_. And now I’m expected to finish a thesis, _and_ raise a child, _and_ somehow keep everyone else from ditching me, _and_ find love at some point? It can’t be done! It just can’t be done! It’s pointless!”

Holtzmann frowned, trying to control herself so she didn’t shout back in frustration. She wasn’t angry at Erin, not at all, but she was frustrated at how little the brunette seemed to think of herself, despite Holtzmann knowing that it was not the case. She took a few deep breaths, making sure Erin was done venting, before speaking up again. 

“Erin, babe, you’re not going to fail at anything. You’re a brilliant scientist, your thesis is going to kick ass to the moon and back, and you’re gonna be an amazing mom.” She sighed in frustration, wanting nothing more than to take all of Erin’s pain away. It hurt to know that she was going through it, it hurt to know that she was doubting herself as a scientist, and as a mother, especially when it was so evident to Holtzmann that she was going to be amazing at both. 

Not that there was any way to properly tell her this while she was so upset. But damn, she would try. 

“I know it’s frustrating to be stuck like this right now, but you’re gonna get through it, and I’m gonna be here to help you out every step of the way, I promise.” Holtz continued, taking another step towards where Erin sat, gently rubbing the brunette’s back with her thumb. “Phil left because he’s a non-committal asshole who didn’t really have anything going for him. He left because he was immature, not because you were pregnant. And you don’t need him. You’re ten times the person he will ever be, Erin, you’re ten times the scientist. And trust me, you will be ten times the parent.” 

She took another deep breath, psyching herself up to deal with this in the most mature way that she could, despite the fact that being mature when dealing with emotional issues was not Holtzy’s strong suit. “And I’m never going to get sick of you, Erin. God, how could I ever?” She looked at the brunette, chewing on her lip, wringing her hands. “I’m never going to abandon you, Erin.” 

Erin suddenly seemed to realize how this was coming across to Holtzmann, and banged her head on the table, letting out another frustrated scream. Because on top of _everything_ else, she was now making Holtzmann uncomfortable. Holtzmann, who had done so much for her and had been 100 times the person Erin deserved, and here she was, treating her like garbage. She was treating the person she was in love with like trash. She truly was the Worst.

“I’m sorry.” She sighed, not daring to look up at Holtzmann. “I’m losing it. I’m just… I can’t do this, Holtz. I was an _idiot_ to think I could do this. And you deserve better. I’m taking up your space, and your time, and your energy, and you _say_ you’re not going to get sick of me but there’s only ever been one other person who felt that way and I messed that up just like I’m messing this up.”

Finally lifting her head from her hands, Erin looked at Holtz, her hair a mess from the amount of times she had frustratedly run her fingers through it. “I mean, _look at me_. I’m a _mess_. I can’t be a parent. I can’t be a _mother_. I can’t even keep myself from falling apart, how the _fuck_ am I going to take care of a child?!”

As the blonde listened to Erin, she could feel her heart breaking with every word. She had no idea that Erin thought any of this, and she felt guilt for not picking up on it sooner. She had spent these last few months watching Erin tackle her life and just marvel at how well she was doing, not even considering just how much it was getting to the physicist. She knew it was stressful, sure, but she didn’t really realize just how much pain the other woman was in. 

And that’s when it happened. What’s when she said something she’d had an urge to say for these last few months but had always pushed it down because she never felt like it was appropriate to say, plus she was terrified of what would happen if she did say it. But somehow, through all of the shouting, and the frustration, and the swearing (and that was another thing; Holtz had never actually heard Erin swear), something inside Holtzmann snapped, and she could no longer help herself. 

“Erin, stop!” She all but cried out, putting her hands over the brunette’s. “God, you’re going to be an amazing mother, can’t you see? You’ll be perfect. You’re so friggin’ kind and patient and so smart, and it’s probably gonna be hard, because these things always are, but I’m gonna help you. Every minute you need me, I’ll be right here! I’m never gonna leave, I love you too much to leave!” 

And just like that, it had slipped out, and Holtz’s secret love for Erin was a secret no more. 

It appeared to be enough to stun Erin into silence, the physicist gaping at Holtz like a fish out of the water, those three little words being processed by that brilliant, _brilliant_ mind Holtzmann was so taken with.

“… You what?” She managed to stammer out after a minute, still looking like Holtzmann had just tried to convince her the Higgins Institute of Scyence was more reputable than CERN would ever be.

Holtzmann pursed her lips, taking a step forward. In any other situation, she probably should have brushed this comment off, say that she loved Erin like a friend and nothing more. But she knew she couldn’t do that this time. Not when Erin meant this much to her. Not when she felt this strongly about her.

Still, she hesitated for a moment, looking down and keeping her eyes glued to the floor, knowing that if she made eye contact with Erin right now, she’d either start crying or her knees would buckle.

“I, uh… I love you.” She repeated, still refusing to look Erin in the eye. “God, I really do. I’ve loved you since I first saw you, and I hated Phil the entire time you two were dating, and I still do, because what kind of guy walks out on a girl after he gets her pregnant? Especially if the girl is you. You’re amazing, you’re so… colourful and exciting and beautiful, and I’ve never been happier than I’ve been these last few months, and that’s all because you’ve been here with me. I love talking to you about our work, I love showing you my stuff, I love how you didn’t freak out when I made that engine explode that time, and I love how you put out the fire. I know you’re gonna be a great mother, and if you need help, I’m gonna be here too, because I feel like I’m gonna love that baby as much as I love you, and just…” She took a deep breath, her eyes still glued to the floor. “I’m just so in love with you, Erin.” 

Erin could only gape at Holtzmann as she listened to her speak, finding it somewhat hard to wrap her head around this. Because she must have misheard that, right? Or misinterpreted. Because this couldn’t really be happening. Jillian Holtzmann, smartest person Erin knew. _Prettiest and hottest_ person Erin knew. Most charming person Erin knew. The same person who had seen Erin throw up _multiple_ times and had essentially seen her at her least attractive. There was _no way_ that Jillian Holtzmann could actually be in love with her. 

But against all odds, it appeared she was wrong. 

Holtzmann loved her.

Jillian Holtzmann, the girl Erin had come to fall so hard for, who she had been _convinced_ would never like her back, was in love with her. She was actually in love with her. It baffled Erin. Part of her still believed it had to be a mistake, because how could someone like Holtzmann love a mess like her? But Holtzmann sounded so sincere. Her Holtz, her Jillian, the girl who couldn’t even look her in the eye because she somehow worried Erin didn’t like her back. 

As if Erin hadn’t been even a little smitten with her from the moment she met her.

Deciding her head was still too much of a mess to properly get out the words she wanted to say, and knowing in her current frustrated state her impulse control was all but non-existent and she couldn’t fight this urge even if she tried, Erin got up from her chair. She marched over to Holtzmann, closing the few paces between them as she grabbed the engineer’s face in both hands and pulled her in for a kiss. Part of her, the ever-present anxiety goblin in her brain, warned her that maybe this wasn’t the best course of action. That maybe she should have thought this through more. That maybe, somehow, Holtzmann wasn’t looking to be kissed by Erin, and she only said all this to shut her up. 

But Erin drowned those voices out by just losing herself in the kiss, losing herself in the sensation of Holtzmann’s lips against her own. They were as soft as she’d imagined they would be - and by god had she imagined - and she let out a small moan as she pushed her own body closer, not wanting to let go until Holtz understood _exactly_ what she did to Erin. How she made her feel. How she made her _want._

She was going to make Jillian Holtzmann believe her feelings were reciprocated even if it killed her.

When Erin’s lips touched hers, Holtzmann felt like her legs were going to buckle underneath her, and her arms lay limp at her sides as her brain started to catch up to her lips. Erin was kissing her, which meant… 

_God_ , Holtz couldn’t even comprehend the idea that Erin could ever love her back, or even vaguely reciprocate her feelings. It was more than she could ever hope for. And yet here she, was kissing Erin, and as she felt Erin press her body up against hers, she couldn’t help but let out a breathy sigh against the physicist’s lips. She reached a hand up to Erin’s neck, brushing her fingers against the skin she found there, not even believing she was being rewarded the privilege of touching the brunette like this. Her other hand made its way to rest on Erin’s waist, pulling her a little bit closer still, her heart racing faster than her mind could. 

Feeling Holtzmann sigh against her lips, Erin took that opportunity to deepen the kiss, threading one hand through Holtzmanns hair and pushing herself even closer, if that was even still possible. But by god, Holtzmann was intoxicating. And Erin had had too many fantasies about this to not indulge herself a little.

But she also knew now was not the time to completely lose herself in all of this. They hadn’t even really talked about this yet, for crying out loud. So, albeit somewhat reluctantly, Erin broke the kiss, barely noticing how Holtz’s head tilted upwards ever so slightly, chasing the touch of Erin’s lips as they left hers. Instead, she rested her forehead against Holtz’s as she panted, trying to catch her breath.

“Wow.” She breathed out, giggling a little as it sank in that she had just had a very nice, heated kiss with her crush. “That was… _wow._ ” 

She didn’t have any other way to put it, really. Holtzmann was incredible. And damn if that wasn’t the best kiss of Erin’s life so far.

Holtzmann took a deep breath, letting out a small chuckle at Erin’s words. Honestly, if she felt like she was going to collapse before, now it felt more like she was floating, walking on air. “I… I didn’t know you…” She was at such a loss for words, for what to say or do, that she just decided to stay silent, and just… be. With Erin. For a moment. 

“Didn’t know what, Holtzy?” Erin giggled, unable to suppress the urge to steal another kiss from the blonde’s lips, even just a small peck. And god, Holtz wanted to let out some kind of groan or cry when Erin called her ‘Holtzy’. There was something so sweet and affectionate about that nickname that made Holzmann want to melt in Erin’s arms right now. “Didn’t know I liked girls? Didn’t know I liked _you_?” 

Holtz let out another chuckle, trying to keep it together as Erin started to kiss her jaw. “I didn’t know any of it. I thought… I thought it could never happen.” She let out a breathy moan, reaching one hand up and lacing it through Erin’s hair, closing her eyes as she revelled in what was happening. “I’d never dreamed…” She trailed off, turning her head slightly to press a soft kiss to the side of Erin’s face. Yeah, she’d never imagined it, but now that it was happening, nothing felt more natural. 

Erin could only giggle in response, daring herself to kiss Holtzmann’s neck and even bite down just a little. Yeah, the pregnancy hormones were really getting to her, and Holtzmann’s reactions were really only spurring her on. It was adorable to see how the usually so confident and charming engineer was coming undone just by Erin’s words and actions, and Erin was getting a little high on the power she seemed to be having over Holtzmann.

Nuzzling the blonde’s neck, Erin pressed her body even closer, placing the hand that wasn’t currently tangled in Holtz’s hair on her waist. “ _Holtzy.”_ She giggled, not having missed the reaction the blonde seemed to have had to the nickname. “You’re not dreaming. This is much, _much_ better than a dream.”

Holtz couldn’t help the moan she let out as Erin bit down on her neck. Already, Holtz could tell that the brunette was finding all of her weak spots, not that Holtz particularly minded, but it was hard not to get carried away. 

And the two of them needed to discuss this. It was too complicated to be a throwaway makeout session. There were too many stakes, too much riding on it. Holtz was all-in, she would cross the earth for Erin, but she couldn’t be sure that that was where Erin was at. 

But at Erin’s words, she couldn’t quite help herself, and letting out another heavy sigh, she brought her hands to pull Erin away from her neck, to press another kiss on the taller girl’s lips, closing her eyes as she got lost in her. As she kissed Erin, Holtz’s fingers explored the skin of her jaw and neck, as the rest of her just vanished into the kiss. She couldn’t believe what had happened, it was a lot to contend with, and yet all she wanted to do was pull Erin into bed and just… be with her. Not even sexually, necessarily, but just… hold her. Be close to her. 

But then Erin pulled away again, leaving the engineer to catch her breath a little bit, chewing on her tingling lips. 

“So…. This is a thing now...” Erin breathed out, and Holtzmann looked up at the brunette, her mouth falling open a little. 

“Is it?” She replied, a little nervously. “Because I’d be happy, I mean, I want it to be a thing, but if you don’t want… don’t feel like you have to.” 

Erin had to admit to being a little taken aback at Holtz’s initially questioning tone. Because why wouldn’t it be a thing? Erin had kissed her. Had more than kissed her, really. She thought she’d made her intentions quite clear, and she’d never been the type of girl to sleep with someone unless some level of feelings were involved. But yet, Holtz seemed to doubt her.

“.. Why wouldn’t it be?” She asked, biting her lip to hide her own insecurities. “I mean…. You like me. You said so. And I’ve had feelings for you for a while now. Very serious feelings. So, if we both want this… Why wouldn’t we be a thing?”

Holtz’s mouth fell open as she realized how she might have come across, and she shook her head, a half-smile on her face, still slightly giddy with the exhilaration of actually having kissed Erin, her brain trying to contend with the shivers going down her spine as Erin admitted to having feelings for her. But (as it was clear that Erin was in a vulnerable state, and who could blame her?) she had to be the responsible one. 

“It’s just… this isn’t an easy situation, Erin. I mean, we live together, we’re both studying, you’re… you’re having a baby.” She exhaled, before shaking her head again, and running her hands down Erin’s arms to take the brunette’s hands in hers. “I don’t know what this,” she squeezed Erin’s fingers, “is. Neither of us do. And that’s okay. It’s for us to figure out. But I don’t want to rush it, or it could get messy. And I… I care too much for it to get messy.” She pursed her lips, looking down at their clasped hands. 

Erin felt as if someone had just doused her with cold water, Holtz’s words ringing in her ears, sounding an awful lot like the rejection speeches she’d gotten over the years.

_“I don’t want to rush this”_

_“Things could get messy”_

_“It’s not you, it’s me”_

“Oh…” Erin nodded slowly, trying (and failing) to hide how much Holtz’s words stung. “Right. Yes. Of course.” It was as if Holtzmann hadn’t confessed her love for her after all, those blissful few minutes ago. It stunned Erin just how easily her world tended to turn upside down in a matter of seconds. Just for once, it would be nice if something stuck with her for a change.

“I’m sorry.” She said, her grip on Holtzmann’s hands loosening a little. “You’re right, I should have…. It was inappropriate. I’m sorry. I just, I thought….” Why was this so hard?

_“… I thought you wanted me…”_

“That’s not what I meant, I-” Holtz felt her heart sink as she took in how deflated Erin looked. Wow, the blonde really wasn’t good at making her true feelings known, because if Erin thought, for a second, that the engineer didn’t want to be with her, she was dead wrong. Holtz had never been good at the difficult or delicate conversations, but _damn,_ if she wasn’t going to try for Erin. 

So she swallowed, taking a step towards Erin, this time taking the brunette’s hands and putting them behind her own back, effectively wrapping Erin’s arms around her, uncaring for her own self-preservation, or for the baby bump that was in-between them, as she looked at the physicist with a small smile on her face. “Let me take you on a date. Let’s do this right.” She said softly. “I don’t want this to be a rush, or a mess, or something that we do in the moment because it feels good. I’ve waited for this for too long to throw it away like that.” 

“Holtz….” Erin’s voice was soft, her grip on the engineer’s shirt possibly a little tighter than it should be. “… You know I don’t have… Time….” Time to date. Time to eat or sleep, even, sometimes. The stress was getting to her big time, the idea of breaks seemed insane. “But I don’t… This isn’t an in the moment decision for me. _You_ aren’t an in the moment decision for me.”

Erin sighed, staring off into a spot on the wall behind Holtzmann, not sure if she could quite look at the engineer without feeling as utterly heartbroken as she did. It was a weird feeling, knowing someone liked you, knowing someone _loved_ you, and yet knowing they also somehow thought of you as… As what, exactly? Someone who rushed into relationships without thinking? Someone who couldn’t make decisions like this on her own? Someone who they thought was making a _wrong_ decision about their heart? 

“Do you even know how special I think you are?”

Erin felt Holtzmann freeze in her arms, and of course her mind immediately went to the worst case scenarios. That she’d said too much. That she’d scared Holtzmann off. That once again, she was going to become a person someone just couldn’t ‘deal’ with anymore. Holtzmann pulling away from her didn’t help matters, and Erin wondered if she’d ever felt so alone in her life.

(Okay, there was the time Phil left her. And the time she had left Abby. And all those years she’d been called Ghost Girl and didn’t have any friends…. Come to think of it, she’d been alone quite a lot.)

Daring herself to look up at Holtzmann, and seeing the frown on the blonde’s face, it took Erin a lot of self convincing not to just run away from her right there and then. Because it would be so easy, to just run and let herself wallow in self pity. She’d done it before. She could do it again. It could be the right thing to do, to just disentangle herself from Holtzmann, from Holtzmann’s _life_ , and just let the engineer get on without her cluttering up her space. But something stopped her.

Maybe it was the words Holtz had said earlier, the words Erin still wasn’t sure she’d actually meant anymore. Maybe it was the way Holtzmann had become such a fixture in her life that just letting go didn’t seem like an option anymore. Maybe it was just pregnancy and baby brain making her do crazy things. But Erin looked at her, with that same look of awe and admiration she always had whenever Holtzmann talked about her work, or whenever she did something stupidly nice for Erin like bring her tea and hot chocolate while she worked. The sadness and insecurity were still there, but Erin forced herself past that.

If she was going to lose Holtzmann over this, she might as well put all her cards on the table.

“You really don’t realize how magnificent you are?” She asked, her grip on Holtzmann’s shirt loosening even more. “Holtzmann… Your mind is a miracle. I could spend hours listening to you talk, picking your brain about those inventions you keep thinking up. You’re a genius, I’m in _awe_ of you. You’re kind, you’re funny, you always know how to make me smile somehow, and your _face_. Your stupidly perfect face. Do you even realize how good you look? How attractive you are? Jillian Holtzmann, I’ve been having a very, _very_ serious crush on you for quite some time now. Very serious. “I’ve thought about kissing you and doing more than kissing you when late at night alone in my bedroom” serious. “Thinking about co-parenting things” type serious.”

Erin held her breath as she finished speaking. She could see the cogs turning in Holtzmann’s head, and was inwardly bracing herself for the almost inevitable rejection. The “I can’t do this anymore”. The “It’s just too much”. The “I’m flattered, but no”. 

She had prepared herself for that. And the longer Holtzmann stayed silent, the more likely that response seemed to become. Because she knew Holtz. She knew the blonde wasn’t the best with words, even though she always seemed to try for Erin, somehow knowing the brunette craved affirmation and acceptance more than anything else in life. And all Holtzmann’s silence seemed to mean to Erin was that she was just trying to figure out a way to let her down gently.

But Jillian Holtzmann, for her part, knew that there was no use in trying to put her feelings into more words than the four that slipped out of her mouth, as she closed the distance between them, pressing the softest and fullest kiss that she possibly could on Erin’s lips, wrapping her arms around the brunette’s neck:

“I love you, Erin.”

Erin had pretty much no time to respond to those words before Holtzmann’s lips were on hers again, in a kiss so full of love that it made her knees buckle.

Literally.

She had to wrap her arms around Holtzmann’s neck to hold herself up as she kissed the blonde, melting against her small frame. She was kissing on autopilot more than anything right now, still trying to process that Jillian Holtzmann, her roommate turned best friend (turned lover, now, apparently. Or maybe girlfriend?) loved her. Was in love with her. It seemed baffling and absurd and like the sort of thing that only happened in romance movies.

But Erin had always wanted to be in a romance movie, so she wasn’t going to complain.

Holtz couldn’t help the small smile that graced her face as she felt Erin kiss her back (well, who could blame her? She’d loved Erin for so long, it had seemed so improbable that anything could ever happen with the brunette, so she was going to make sure she savoured every moment of this), staggering slightly as she felt Erin’s weight shift. She took a half step back to support the taller girl, and it served as a stark reminder that the brunette was pregnant, and probably needed a little more comfort than standing on cold tile in a kitchen. 

So, without breaking the kiss, Holtz ran her hands down to hold Erin’s hands, lacing their fingers together, as she started to walk backwards to lead the two of them out of the kitchen and to the living room. Once there, she moved to pull the two of them slowly down onto the couch, tucking her feet under her body as she did (never content with sitting normally, especially when she was this excited). 

As they sat down, a terrifying thought crossed Holtz’s mind; ‘what if she thinks you wanted to bring her to the couch just to sleep with her?’. Although the thought of it was something that made her absolutely giddy, Holtzmann definitely didn’t want to pressure Erin into anything she wasn’t comfortable with yet, especially since she herself didn’t know if that was what she wanted at the moment. 

They had said the L-word, but it didn’t mean that they were definitely ready for anything. 

So she pulled away for a second, just to clear her throat and stammer, “Sorry, I just thought… we should sit. Somewhere comfy. For you, for the baby.”

Erin just giggled in response, kissing Holtzmann’s cheek as she rested her head in the blonde’s lap. “I know. I should hope that if you’re going to have sex with me you’d do it in a bed, at least while I’m pregnant. But for future reference; I don’t mind other surfaces.”

She grinned up at Holtzmann, whose brain appeared to have short-circuited at those words, and proceeded to close her eyes with a little smile still on her face. Oh, at some point in the very near future, Erin very much intended to show Holtzmann just how certain she was about wanting her. Everything about her. But right now, she kind of wanted to just… _be._ Just have Holtzmann hold her, talk to her, tell her more about the inner workings of that brilliant beautiful mind of hers. There was plenty of time for ‘other stuff’ later. For now, she was okay just being happy with her current situation.

Because hey, she had just kissed Jillian Holzmann. Who loved her. And maybe, possibly, probably, potentially, wanted to be her girlfriend. That was pretty cool.

So she nestled her head more comfortably in Holtzmann’s lap, letting out a delighted little moan as she felt the engineer’s fingers running through her brown locks. Yes, there would be plenty of time for other things later, when things were just a little less crazy. For now, Erin was more than content to just lay here, feeling herself slip into a deep slumber as her breathing slowed, calmed by Holtzmann’s presence and gentle touch.


End file.
